Depression has become like a best friend after so long of feeling like I'm trapped in the dark without even a glimmer of light to lead the way out. I try so hard to fight it back, to keep it down but I know it's never far away. Like a slow and silent predator it [...]
When does enough become enough?
I think my brain, my heart, and my body have finally all come together in unison to decide I can't keep going on with life. This post is more of me just typing my personal inner workings and less about telling a story. My brain and heart are never on the same page when it [...]
The shadows of what once was….
The title says it all. My life as it was before the drugs and being codependent, the constant fighting, and before this impenetrable wall I've built around myself. Everything that was before what I call my "life" today, is nothing more than a shadow, like a vague memory that you hold onto because when you [...]
Surviving or Existing?
It's been some time since I've actually sat down to write here or even think about it. I've tried not to think too much or deep into this past year of my life, the year that has made and broken me. This past year has made me dig deep in myself and find the fighter [...]
Walking the unknown path
Since my last post things have done a slight shift in the right direction. Maybe my rant about God got through? Hell If I know but who am I to question the game of life? I landed this amazing job with perfect hours, awesome boss, extremely relaxed and stress free, the pay could be better [...]
The sun won’t come out tomorrow…
Sorry to bust Annie's cheery little bubble here but the sun won't come out tomorrow or the day after that, maybe it'll never come out again, at least for me anyway. Everytime I think the sun might just shine brightly again the storm rears it's ugly head for another round. One step forward ten steps [...]
Escaping the reality
I try to not allow myself to get lost in a fantasy bubble lately but every now and again I slip. You all know what I'm talking about, something happens whether it be words that cut straight to your heart or some memorable moment you don't want to end. When a moment like this happens [...]
Silently Screaming
It's another day, I think, and it's the same ole nightmare on a continuous loop. I'm not sure lately what's real and what's another lie. At this point does it even really matter? Maybe believing the lie is better in the end because knowing the truth can drive you mad. I've come to the sad [...]
Pour salt into the open wound #codependency #addiction
To quote my favorite band of all time, Breaking Benjamin, "You gotta fight just to make it through 'Cause I'll be the death of you This will be all over soon Pour salt into the open wound"- Breath. That perfectly sums up everything. Every song from Breaking Benjamin speaks to me like nothing else, the [...]
The scars of codependency
I know I haven't really written much about the present me or who I am. I want to attempt a new approach at this writing of my thoughts. I'm Nicole (What I'll refer to myself as) I'm 33 years old and I'm an addict. When I say addict I mean that in the normal what [...]
Tragically Beautiful Chaos 